feeblemaryland

some dude wrote about me and i don't know what to make of it.

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 21:43:35 GMT

what do you think?

It’s just easier to say I don’t like music

But that doesn’t explain things exactly. Maybe it might be more accurate to say that I’m burned out over music. Or I refuse to get passionate again about music. Or whatever. Or whatever you are listening to is fine. Unless it’s all rap, all the time or mind-numbing, headache-inducing, repetitive techno. How anyone can listen to that techno crap without chemical enhancement is beyond me.

For a while there I just left it on the local “progressive” station, whatever the heck that means. Right away there I noticed the bane of top-40, the play list. The rock stations weren’t any better, playing the same damn three acceptable-to-the-target-demographic, white-guy-remakes-old-blues-songs, over and over on light rotation. I listened anyway, because everyone else was too and there was some unfed need for polyphonic sounds of dissent. I got disillusion at a festival at RFK stadium. I had the foresight to bring some binoculars, and by sharing them and looking towards the stage’s big screen, you could barely make out the set while the music, constrained by the speed of sound, arrived to my senses like a poorly dubbed late-night b-movie. My now ex-significant enjoyed herself immensely. I went on a strict diet of news and talk radio.

By my reckoning it was just years before, I stood at my first and last show at WUST music hall, right up against the stage, the toilet tissue stuffed in my ears as ersatz earplugs, as the live sonic wave passed through me and a diver landed directly on my head on his way to the thrash pit. Made a lasting impression (not physically) of how a live venue performance ought to be properly pulled off. Live shows at the Mall and other small venues echoed this.

Even here is the eliteness, sellouts, minimum required trivia and minutia to be memorized. Do you have your ripped jeans and plaid, and your boots laced the proper way? My favorite gothic plate cut his hair short and now I don’t know exactly how I should express my individuality. I can’t believe that you’ve never heard of those guys! The paisley guy that slid into emo. Here’s a collection of music mixed with you in mind.

It’s just some music, not a lifestyle or a philosophy or the sink for my disposable income or a movement. Let me assure you that this exclusive scene has the same sameness as that one. The players, and markers, and the movements are merely different.

What brought this on? Well I’m not dumping angst here. Not at all. It’s the junction of a major threat that derailed into a rack of pre-distressed six pocket BDUs available at a major department store. The combat boots I have at home that are older than the kid that’s giving me looks because I’m wearing something that’s akin to his gang colors. Stuff that a younger me wouldn’t even rate as “mediocre-core” on heavy radio rotation and labeled as the oxymoron “pop-punk”. Remembering what I was like at seventeen and something that has struck a chord in my head and perhaps my heart as I dug it out of an archive of a few years ago.

I’m not going to name anything here. Well OK, I will, but I’ll put it under the fold. Because I’m not terribly interested in what you listen to unless I say “this sounds pretty good, who does it?” and I think you are the same. I’m not aiming to get you to download something that you can listen on your fashion accessory headphones in the dark and feel you have a connection to me.

It’s an experiment. I’m always experimenting and I think the guy will eventually ego search engine himself to my place and I think he deserves the same little lift that I get when someone points to something I’ve created and indicated it gave them a little lift. Because that’s pretty neat. And maybe I am venting a little angst, but just a little bit.

-under the fold-

You read this far.

I’m listening to (I think) Folk-Rock, or Anti-Folk or something. He’s Counterfeit Matt. The songs I recovered from the archive were My Maryland and Dark November, and they seem to be available over here. Press albums tab and poke around a bit.

I don’t particularly share the same political philosophy, but perhaps me at 17 might see more eye to eye to his 17. Besides, there are so few “mutant” libertarians out there that play music.

I’ve found a presumably older Matt here. There I liked Ballad of an Anarchist and Oh Roman.

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 15:24:54 GMT

dude i can't believe it but.... uhm... i think i am an all american rejects fan?

oh yeah?

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 15:19:33 GMT

biked for two hours last night ont he stationary bike at the franklin estate. high resistance. lot's of sweeting. all sexy. smoked weed got high as fuck talked to christa. totally had munchies. drove home. forgot to brush teeth. woke up at six A.M. been waxing floors at the towson armory. dude tried to recrute me. go to school in 2 or so hours. gonna paint. gonna work on new sculpture. totally gonna excersise again. gotta get ready for canadia.

today so far.

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 18:43:20 GMT

6am- wake up to do community service at the towson armory
7am- get there with intention of working til noon and then driving to school
12pm- find out that my car had been towed when i parked next to moxleys (i have parked there for 2 years and never had this problem)
12:10- go to bank and take out all of the money i had earned the previous week (45 hours of work)
12:11pm walk to the tow truck place
some time between now and then. my bike gets a flat tire and i am broke and have no way to fix it.

fuck
this literally put me a week behind on saving for the canada trip.

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 08:12:44 GMT

9 hours and only 60 dollars worth of tips later i sit here sleep deprived and a little drunk listening to poison oak by bright eyes. talk shit on it if you want, it's a good song. whatever. a girl i worked with had a mom who passed out tonight. the paramedics said she was garunteed to have a stroke if she didn't go to the hospitol. her mother doesn't have insurance. apparently she would rather die than be in someone's pocket. one might think this is admerable. i find it selfish.
it was weird seeing this girl cry. all i wanted to do was make her smile but at the same time i didn't want to discredit her concern. i mean it's weird. i like this girl and i know my intentions are pure. but when somethign like that happens you have to ask your self if you would be doing this if youd idn't like that person. as fucked up as that sounds i think i am just openly saying what everyone else thinks about. luckily i know that no matter who it was i would want to make the person feel batter, i think my approach would have just been different. anyways i don't know what i am talking about. i am going to go sleep wake up adn go right back to work. peace higna

word

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 20:34:34 GMT

alex and i are starting are bike tripplans. oh fuck. this is gonna rule. if i didn't get this second job it would have never been possible. thanks sam, hopefully i won't take too much acid and quit before i have all i need. so we are biking up to new yorkl cutting across to buffalo and biking into canada. does anyone know of any amazing things along the way? we are also going south back into the states just north of the rockies so we can go to the rainbow gathering nationals in colorado. hopeully we will be biking monsters at that point and it won't faze us.

today

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 19:34:58 GMT

this morning i woke up sat around cut my hair and stepped outside. i cleaned out my trunk finally and stood at the end of my driveway looking at everything around me. i decided right then that htis summer i am traveling as far as i can possibly go. i ordered 2 survival books of amazon.com. i am going to start reading them when they arrive and memorize everything in them. at the end of the school year i am going to put on my pack and start walking or riding with whomever decides to come with me. i don't want it to be the same kind of traveling that all my friends do where they ride trains from city to city getting drunk and eating out of dumpsters. i want to avoid the cities as much as physically possible. i want to know what it is like to walk into the rocky mountains. yes i said walk.

who's comming with me?

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 20:57:21 GMT

8 hits of acid in four days. not too bad. last trip didn't work really at all unfortunately. got a new job. working a lot in school. once i get money from being a waiter i think i am gonna get some absinthe sent over from europe. who wants to do it with me? who can help pitch? i might just get it and do it one night after a show when i go on tour. that'll get me kicked out of whatever city i am in.

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 06:47:28 GMT

in the ride between my house and wills the song "every body hurts" by REM came on the radio. that song is so god damn silly. i mean no one can take it seriously but everyone can relate. i've learned to supress my feelings and channel it through short temper and physical violence. i would recomend neither. i am trying to find the balance between being open and having thick skin. i guess i have to pick and choose but the only problem is i know i am not infalable (spelling?) unlike some people i know. fuck that is so fucing frustrating. the people that think their conclusions are always right really fucking piss me off. god fucking damnit.

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 15:18:55 GMT

i wish broke back wasn't so ignorant of a term cause if it wasn't it would just be cool to say. i mean stop for a second. forget the negative undertone and just say outloud "man that was broke back as fuck!" it sounds pretty cool. oh well. we'll have to come up with somethign else i guess.

20 years old with back pain.

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 19:28:49 GMT

my back is in sooooo much pain i can't even begin to explain it. i scrapped it while being drunk one night and it's just sucked ever since. the scabs tar and the bandages fuse to it. i have to use peroxide to remove the dressings i put on it. i ripped one off without peroxide earlier today and i woke up on my bathroom floor. apparently my mind didn't want to deal witht eh pain and i passed out. fuckin sucks. oh well. atleast ill get a scar out of this.

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 21:42:38 GMT

one week without smoking. now i just need to remember that i don't smoke anymore. will is home, he has black hair...gay... falling behind in school still need to record album. job sucks trying to work at tj shinannigans. i think two friends of mine secretly have crushes on me and both are making me feel pretty akward. prolly gettin fucked up tonight. if not i just don't know what i'll do with my self.

i can't sit still

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 15:45:31 GMT

trying to keep sane kind of working. i just took my self out of my old routines and put my self in less than consistant environments. i wake up early now and i only get fucked up maybe once a week. school is making it hard for me to record the album but i have to get that done soon. i need a different job soon. i don't think i like school anymore. it's weird cause it's something i am good at but i know that it isn't something i would want to do for a living. i need to start touring again. spring needs to come back. i can taste spring int he mornings. it's just bright enough and just warm enough to get that feeling. hopefully the weather will get warmer and my life will change for the better. it's weird, giving up on one part of your life really makes every thing else balance more.i knowi t's nto healthy. ik now i am just ranting.

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 22:07:02 GMT

i am screaming and no one hears me unless i grab their shoulders and shake them untill they get it

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 22:00:18 GMT

i think i am done. i wasn't crying today. i think it was more like leaking. because i had no facial expressions or physical impulses my eyes just starting dispencing t his liquid that i am assuming was tears. i still feel like more are comming out. i'm done. i have to leave. i just don't know what type of leaving i am talking about.

results do not suprize me

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 23:51:03 GMT

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	84%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 22:57:05 GMT

last night i drempt i was in a building talking to a man and a woman who were in a relationship together. i couldn't remember who the people where but i knew that i was either friends with them or they were people that were famous. without warning the woman jumped out of a window. i saw her fall to the ground and die, the man jumped immediately after her, and after it happened all i thought to my self was "i am the only one that knows about this, how am i going to tell people what happened? what are they going to think? are they going to think i had somethign to do with it? are they going to belive me? and no one will know exactly what i saw take place except for me." i don't know what it means but it seems significant. it gave me a weird pain in my chest when i woke up. and i still have it. i feel like i am constantly about to cry or something but don't have a reason for crying.

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 22:41:02 GMT

i know it's not the best idea, but what do people think of either being in school or being fucked up every day untill summer time. i feel like it's the least painful way to get through this little game we call life as far as right now is concerned.

i'm running away from something

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 22:32:37 GMT

and i don't know what it is. but i don't want to leave school. i feel i am getting things accomplished here which is sweet. but i am almost scared to go home cause i feel i will get into a bad mental state which is what has been happening. funny how i dropped out of highschool and now that i am in college i don't want to leave it. hey atleast it will bring about good grades.

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 17:15:21 GMT

you'd be suprized at what a little music would do. yesterday i was all over the map. i had a really good morning hanging out witht his person i met, but when i got home i just took an emotional cliff dive for some odd reason. on my way to work i was driving down marrymans mill and i had had the strongest urge to just jerk the wheel and drive off a turn flipping into the woods etc. etc. work was no better, home was no better. then i talked to lauren and i felt a little better but then i put in a mountain goats cd i thought i had lost and played the song "this year" and i was just put in an amazing mood. thank you mountain goats.

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 19:47:29 GMT

it's not even that cold out, yet i find my self very cold.

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 09:33:36 GMT

yet another night of rolling. and yet again it was different. sweet. excited for ncor tomorrow. excited for a lot of things. hopefully it will all work out.

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 06:26:00 GMT

okay so finished producing the first song on my new album i decided it's called "keeping temperature" it's my first real attempt at mixing. in the mean time i think i am actually an alcoholic or just a straight up addict cause i can't go to bed at a decent time unless i get fucked up. well that is effing lame. and i am always restless. and no one hung out tonight pretty much except for colin and kate at the pool hall. yeah that's right i went to the pool hall by my self. god damnit.

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 13:36:37 GMT

aaaaaaaaaaah i wrote a new song and i recorded it and i put a piano track on it and it sounds nice in my opinion but some how my recorder won't let me fix and re record what i want to and for some god awful reason no one is awake at 8:35 on a saturday morning so i can send it to them. what is this world comming to? i am really excited because i am actually going to concentrate a lot on the recording of my music this album as apposed to just the actual song writing i think it is gonna turn out really well i repeat. IAM EXCITED.

this sucks (the word suck is used as a double meaning)

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 18:04:59 GMT

i think it's weird how i write in this thing sometimes like it is ana ctual journal when in fact it is something i know people will read but hey "secrets are gay"

last night i was given an choice of some kind oabout cleaning my room or moving out of my house. it's so weird. i live at my parents house because i am going to school. i go to school because my parents want me to, i can't work very much because of those two, and i need a car because of where my parents live. i really don't fucking get it. they also threatin to pull me from their insurance and make me get my own which is probably an increase of avout 200 dollars a month. the thing is, i really have no problem having a car with no insurance and fake plates. that just means i'll be a careful driver.

everything has been really weird since i tripped on mushrooms. at the point when i finally made it to my house and i was all alone i kept wanting to kill my self on account of simple frustrations. then last night i get drunk for the first time in a while and there is that feeling again. not to mention i had to put up with the occasional repettative scenario where jeremy just talks about how i have fucked him over so many times with girls. i mean i get it, i fucked up with that but at the same time he is bringing up things that happened years ago, and to even further be frustrated with it, it always seems like it was only my fault in his eyes, even though there obviously was another indepent thinking person there making decisions for themselves. i can apreciate that a friend hooking up with someone you like/love/whatever is a big deal but what the fuck, i feel the time has been served.

to continue, it doesn't feel like depression it just feels like an overall lack of desire to continue on with a bunch of shit IE life. i just want to fast forward 6 months to when i won't being going to a school in the same place i grew up, and i won't be living with my mother, and ill have my full ride to the art school of my choice (which suprizingly enough is what might happen, which confuses the hell out of me).

i think it sucks so much because i know that if when i was twelve and my parents had decided to mose somewhere with oh i don't know, A FUCKING BUS! i wouldn't have most of these problems.

i wrote a song the other day where i literally call towson a black hole but i have a feeling now that it is actually jacksonville. people litterally get stuck here. atleast with towson people eventually move to the city.

well god damn, i don't think i am stupid enough to actually kill my self over all this shit that i probably didn't even explain well but it sucks knowing that you think about it every night before you go to bed.